


Before I Wake

by Misachan



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, First Kiss, Het, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-05
Updated: 2011-01-05
Packaged: 2017-10-14 11:11:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/148653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misachan/pseuds/Misachan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jo has some trouble sleeping the night before they all take on Lucifer. It's fortunate then that angels don't sleep at all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Before I Wake

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Jena Bartley (jenab)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenab/gifts).



Jo finally gave up on sleep around 1 AM and wandered downstairs, hoping to find something to distract herself from all the thoughts of Lucifer and Death and the certain unstoppable _doom_ waiting for them all come morning.

"Not so loud."

She just managed to not shriek --- _great_ hunter instincts there, she told herself --- even as she placed the low rasp of a voice. "Cas!" she whispered, spinning around. It was so _weird_ to be calling an angel by a nickname. "I didn't know you were...." She trailed off as she took in the scene; Castiel was perched on the edge of Bobby's coffee table with his his hands steepled in front of his face, _staring_ at Dean sleeping on the couch. "Are you...are you watching him sleep?"

"His dreams are troubled." As if on cue Dean rolled over and muttered something she didn't catch; he touched Dean's forehead and Dean sighed, his breathing calm and even again in moments. "He needs his rest for tomorrow."

"What did you do?"

"We can walk through dreams," he said, resuming his watchful position. "Influence them. Create them, if necessary."

"Do you do that a lot?" she asked, leaning against the door jamb. "Watch him sleep, I mean? And just...go into his dreams like that?"

"Yes."

She quirked an eyebrow. "And he's cool with that?" she had to ask, because that didn't sound like Dean at all.

The corners of his mouth twitched up. "I think Dean would use the word 'resigned.'"

Jo snorted. "Hey, that was actually a joke. I mean, not a great one, but still."

He dropped his gaze, a flush of color spreading across his cheeks and Jo had to admit, that was kind of adorable. "I've been told my multiple people I should practice." He tilted his head up to look at her. "Shall I assume that your dreams are also troubled?"

Jo rolled her eyes. "I'd have to be able to get to sleep first. Bad dreams would be a step up right now." She ran one hand through her hair. "I just...I don't know. I need to take my mind off of tomorrow."

His lips tipped up again into that almost-smile of his. "You could try to get me drunk again."

It was such a transparent attempt to make her feel better that she couldn't help but be charmed. "You're on. Let's find out where Bobby hides the good stuff."

***

"Bobby is going to _kill_ us," she said, watching in fascination as Castiel downed half a bottle of vodka in one long swallow. It was like pouring it all down a bottomless pit; she had a nice buzz herself --- not all the way drunk, the last thing she needed was to face down the devil with a hangover --- but he was just knocking back drink after drink with barely a sign it was hitting him. "Where are you even _putting_ it all?"

He gave her a look over the bottle that was almost a smirk, then added the now-empty bottle the the intricate little tower he was making out of the empty bottles and glasses. "I hope Bobby has the chance to try. That would mean we'd survived the battle."

She pulled one leg up to her chest, swirling her half-empty drink. "Level with me. What're our chances tomorrow?"

"Dean and Sam's survival is all but assured," he said, wiping his mouth on his sleeve --- _God, Dean's a horrible influence on him_ , she thought --- "they're too important to the overall plan to sacrifice cavalierly."

"Okay, great, that's them, what about the rest of us?" He didn't answer and Jo felt her heart creep into her throat. "Cas, what do you think is going to happen?" He did look up then, and Jo realized that maybe she didn't want him to answer. "You think we're going to die, don't you."

"I think that's the most likely outcome," he said, like the words were being dragged out of him.

She needed to be so much drunker to be having this conversation. "But you're including yourself. I mean, you're an angel, you've got to be able...."

"Lucifer could undo me with a thought," he said, pouring himself a double of Bobby's favorite whiskey. "And I have no idea what sort of power Death will wield, should he successfully be raised."

"Oh." And she'd known that was probably how things were going to go, but hearing it from an actual angel...suddenly she couldn't stop shaking.

He leaned forward. "You and your mother have both been staunch opponents of evil. Your places in Heaven have long been prepared. There's nothing to fear."

"Oh, well then. I feel so much better." And he frowned, as if he couldn't understand why that hadn't actually made her feel better. She wiped her eyes and tried to get herself under control, because the last thing she wanted was to freak out in front of him. "You're not big on the plan, I'm guessing."

"Trusting demons is how Lucifer was released in the first place." He tapped one fingertip against the glass. "But if anything about demons can be trusted, it's their instinct to be self-serving. It's a worthwhile risk."

"So," she said, hating that her voice broke on the word, "what's Heaven like? Since you think I'll be there tomorrow and all."

He leaned back in his chair, considering the question. "Heaven is different for humans than for us, and different for each human," he finally said. "It's difficult for me to describe." He let out a short breath. "Paradise. Perfection. True happiness, extended into eternity."

She propped her chin on on hand. "What is it like for you guys?"

He expression softened. "Home."

Jo winced. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I forgot that...."

Castiel shook his head. "It doesn't pain me to talk about it."

"Look, I know it's probably not even close to the same thing, but when the Roadhouse burned...I know what it's like to not be able to go home. It sucks, and I'm sorry."

He nodded once. "Thank you."

She poured herself a shot and threw it back. "Look, I'm sure Heaven is great but dying is just...y'know, I just realized Sam and Dean have _both_ died, that is so messed up...."

"I've died."

That brought her up short. "When? What happened?"

"The archangel Raphael smote me in the home of the prophet." He took a swallow of whiskey. "I understand it left quite a mess."

She almost asked him what he meant by _quite a mess_ then realized that probably wasn't a mental image she wanted, settling on "What was that like?" instead.

"Quick," he said, with a rueful look. "I was even less of a match for him than I'd thought."

"No, I mean..." This was the most impossible conversation she'd ever had. "What's _dying_ like? What happens? I can't ask those two, Dean'll crack jokes and Sam will just brush it off."

"It's different for humans...."

She didn't like the way his eyes had darted sideways before he spoke. "Cas. What happened?"

"I...." He let out a long breath. "I don't remember anything before my resurrection. It may be there's nothing to remember."

She felt her stomach coil itself into one large ache. "What do you mean?"

"The only way we can die is if we kill each other," he explained. "We're not supposed to die. There's no lore saying what happens to us if we do. It may be that when we die we just...cease. Oblivion. Or nonexistence, if you prefer." His brow furrowed. "Don't share that with Dean. I think it would trouble him."

"It's troubling _me_ ," she said. Her buzz was almost gone, buried under horror. "So me and my mom, we go to Heaven, fine, but you think tomorrow...."

"Like I said, it's a worthwhile risk. I knew what the consequences of my actions would be then, Jo. And I know them now."

"Did it hurt?" He looked surprised at the question. "The smiting. Did it hurt?"

He looked away and that was all the answer she needed. She reached across the table and squeezed his hand; he startled slightly at the touch, then squeezed her hand back. In the dim light his eyes were very, very blue. "Hey," she said. "Are you scared? Tell me the truth."

She saw him swallow and he squeezed her hand hard before meeting her eyes again. "If I said yes, would that make you feel better or worse?"

She almost laughed. "That's not really the point, Cas." He didn't let go of her hand and if he wasn't letting go, neither was she; Jo lost track of how long they sat there in the dark, her trying to find the words that would make it better before realizing there weren't any. "So," she finally said, "what's it like road tripping with those two?" She nodded over to Dean snoring away on the couch. "You must have some stories.

He flashed her a grateful look, and if her attempt was just as transparent as his earlier one he wasn't calling her on it.

***

"He took you to a _brothel_?"

"Dean was trying to help."

"So, let me get this straight. You two were taking on a big bad archangel --- the one who'd actually killed you once already --- and Dean decided the best way to deal with that was to take you to a brothel. Because you hadn't...." She buried her face in her hands and felt like apologizing for the entire human race.

"It seemed to offend him, somehow."

Once the conversation had swung towards angels in brothels prurient interest was all that was left. "What did you think? Was it everything Dean had told you it would be?"

"Um," he said, the blush spreading across his cheeks again and she was trying _so hard_ to keep from laughing at him. "I didn't. I mean...."

"What went wrong?" she said, throwing him a lifeline.

"I don't _know_ , exactly. I tried to put her at ease and she became very upset. Dean told me later it was a mistake to try talking."

"Yeah, that sounds like Dean." The tower was bigger, and if she hadn't been able to really get him drunk it was nice watching his hands as he built it. Pretty hands and pretty eyes and Jo couldn't imagine what he could have said to make a woman turn him down. And _that_ was the line of thought that made her realize she may have had one too many. "I should go. Should try to get _some_ sleep, at least."

He rose when she did, reaching out a hand to steady her when she bumped the table getting up. "Jo," he said, "I'll do what I can tomorrow. If something happens and I'm not there, it's because something prevented me."

"Oh, great, now I'll be worrying about you, too." She held his hand again, giving it a quick squeeze to let her know she didn't really _mind_ worrying for him. "Promise you'll be careful,okay? I kind of like you existing."

He nodded. "I promise."

His hand was warm in hers, and his eyes were blue and he was an angel of the Lord and he was scared, and it didn't take much at all for her to grab him by the coat and kiss him. She felt him take in a surprised breath, then his hand tightened in hers. She couldn't keep back the sigh as leaned forward into the kiss, his free hand reaching up to tangle in her hair and pull her closer. She hadn't imagined he would kiss her _back_ ; he kissed like it was the single most important thing he could be doing, slow and _careful_ , like he was determined to get this right. She felt his hand come to rest on her hip, not because he was trying to move things along be because she could tell he wasn't sure what he was supposed to be doing with his hands. She wished she had a few more nights to teach him.

She finally broke the kiss and stood close to him, feeling like her heart was going to pound out of her chest. "For luck tomorrow," she said, then she laughed. "And if Dean ever tries to debauch you again, at least you've been to first base now."

"Thank you."

There was a tremor in his voice that made her want to kiss him again; she knew his eyes would be wide and she couldn't look at them just then, giving his hand another squeeze instead. "I should try to get some sleep. Big day."

He nodded and she stepped away, crossing the room quickly. Just before she left she looked back over her shoulder. "Hey, Cas." He looked up, and she said, the words coming fast because if she didn't say this now she was going to lose her nerve, "If my dreams get... _troubled_ and you wanted to step in? I think I could be pretty resigned to that."

She felt the way he looked at her deep in her bones. "All right."

Jo managed to sneak back into bed without anyone noticing she'd been gone. She dreamed of wings.


End file.
